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SATIRE Riley Inc

Are you concerned about social issues and corporate ethics? Are you looking for financially sound investments that are socially responsible? Then look no further. Now you can integrate your personal values with your investment objectives. 

As of today, I have capitalised on my position as a private citizen and have henceforth incorporated myself. The Riley Inc float has shaken the markets.
As one broker told the Financial Review, “This should help the local bourse climb higher. Market confidence like this is sure to lead to some positive movements in the All Ordinaries, and that's going to be good for the industrials.” 

This is the sort of micro-economic reform this country is crying out for. Instead of whingeing about what's wrong with the economy, you should all be joining me in corporate Australia. 

Rather than hunt jobs, offer shares instead. Forget about your curriculum vitae and character references; what you need is a good prospectus. 

Upward mobility is now knocking on the door of the unemployed. If a ,firm won't employ you then go into business yourself. Stop being an anonymous statistic by turning your life into a ledger. Make the next job you create, your own. (How does “company director” sound?) 

No longer need you be stereotyped as a bludger or a bum: Once incorporated, you join an entrepreneurial community determined to get Australia working -- that is, in the off chance someone ever became unemployed again. 

My action was greeted ecstatically by the ACTU. Sharan Burrow phoned me personally to offer her congratulations: “It is responsible entrepreneurs like you we have been waiting for. The rest don't seem to have what it takes. Thanks to you, we can now see the light on the hill. 

“Enterprise bargaining”, she told me, “is fine as far as it goes, but what we really need is more enterprise. Unfortunately, the Australian working man and woman do not get the business community they deserve. Given all that we have done for them, the boardrooms of this country have let us down and should be ashamed of themselves.” 

Burrow then proclaimed passionately: “Workers of Australia, take a stand and raise your own stocks. The share market is waiting on you to show the way. Ethical investment is the hope of the world.” 

With such an enthusiastic endorsement, Riley Inc is sure to live up to its promise. Australian corporate profitability has come roaring back, and Riley Inc wants a share of the action. If the profit surge continues at its current rate of corporate Australia should be ready and willing to invest. 

But as finance journalist, Terry McCann, asks, “The $64 question -- perhaps more exactly, the $64 billion question -- is will it?” Rest assured that Riley Inc believes that if you want something done, it is best to do it yourself. My company will be integrating my personal values with my investment objectives. Riley Inc takes its corporate responsibilities seriously and from here on in will be investing -- in me.

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