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SATIRE Entrance Examination: Australia

Candidates must answer four questions: both parts of Section A, and two questions from Section B. All of Section C is compulsory. Marks will be awarded for correctness of the answers; none for presentation or handwriting. Marks will be deducted for facetious answers. Time: 15 minutes.




SECTION A

LITERACY/CULTURE

It has become clear to the examiners that candidates are finding it much easier in recent years to express themselves in English. However, since the society you hope to enter is a multicultural one, fluency in some other European language is now a condition of entry.

PART I: Translate any two of the following statements into either (a) Gaelic (b) Latin, or (c) Basque.
Statement 1: Struth, mate! Don't you think it's about time we had a smoko?
Statement 2: After I finished off a few prawns and two dozen tinnies I chundered all over the back seat of Simmo's FJ
Statement 3: Jacko couldn't wait to nick back down the rubberdy to tell his mates about the night he spent shagging Sheila.
PART II: Finish all three of the following sentences.
(a) "There was movement at the station ...
(b) "Strong love of grey blue distance ...
(c) "There was a red back on the toilet seat ...

SECTION B
MATHEMATICS


Answer all of these questions by entering a number in the space provided.
(1) If I backed a horse each way at 6:4 and it came home a winner, how much money could I expect from the TAB for my $5? [  ]
(2) In AFL, if the centre-half-forward lops one through the big sticks, how many points does he score? [  ]
(3) How many feet are there in a first eleven? [  ]

GEOGRAPHY


The following locations are situated somewhere in Australia. Using the map provided, mark the following features:
(a) Out Back (b) The Black Stump (c) Woop Woop (d) Shit Creek.
ECOLOGY (with Ethics)

The greening of Australia is now a popular pastime. So that you know what's what among the more enlightened members of the country's environmental community:
(a) tell us in 500 words or less what the terms "carrying capacity" and "optimum level of sustainable population" means; and (b) to the nearest 1000, what is that figure?
SECTION C
ESSAY TOPIC (Compulsory)
Drawing on your knowledge of what it means to be UN-Australian, write an essay on the topic "How To Be Correctly Australian". (Length: It is up to you, but if you run up more than 25 lines you get to join the federal Coalition as a junior minister . Anything over 10 lines and you qualify to clean the dunnies on Capital Hill.)

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