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SATIRE Entrance Examination: Australia

Candidates must answer four questions: both parts of Section A, and two questions from Section B. All of Section C is compulsory. Marks will be awarded for correctness of the answers; none for presentation or handwriting. Marks will be deducted for facetious answers. Time: 15 minutes.



It has become clear to the examiners that candidates are finding it much easier in recent years to express themselves in English. However, since the society you hope to enter is a multicultural one, fluency in some other European language is now a condition of entry.

PART I: Translate any two of the following statements into either (a) Gaelic (b) Latin, or (c) Basque.
Statement 1: Struth, mate! Don't you think it's about time we had a smoko?
Statement 2: After I finished off a few prawns and two dozen tinnies I chundered all over the back seat of Simmo's FJ
Statement 3: Jacko couldn't wait to nick back down the rubberdy to tell his mates about the night he spent shagging Sheila.
PART II: Finish all three of the following sentences.
(a) "There was movement at the station ...
(b) "Strong love of grey blue distance ...
(c) "There was a red back on the toilet seat ...


Answer all of these questions by entering a number in the space provided.
(1) If I backed a horse each way at 6:4 and it came home a winner, how much money could I expect from the TAB for my $5? [  ]
(2) In AFL, if the centre-half-forward lops one through the big sticks, how many points does he score? [  ]
(3) How many feet are there in a first eleven? [  ]


The following locations are situated somewhere in Australia. Using the map provided, mark the following features:
(a) Out Back (b) The Black Stump (c) Woop Woop (d) Shit Creek.
ECOLOGY (with Ethics)

The greening of Australia is now a popular pastime. So that you know what's what among the more enlightened members of the country's environmental community:
(a) tell us in 500 words or less what the terms "carrying capacity" and "optimum level of sustainable population" means; and (b) to the nearest 1000, what is that figure?
ESSAY TOPIC (Compulsory)
Drawing on your knowledge of what it means to be UN-Australian, write an essay on the topic "How To Be Correctly Australian". (Length: It is up to you, but if you run up more than 25 lines you get to join the federal Coalition as a junior minister . Anything over 10 lines and you qualify to clean the dunnies on Capital Hill.)

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